Alexander: My First Love
Alex is without question the person I fell hardest for. He was like a parasite that wormed into my brain and was just there. The night we met, we went to a movie with our mutual friend Lucy. After the movie I suggested we go get coffee at Starbuck's. We started a conversation that was just.....organic. I felt I had known him forever, and I was in love with Alex a few hours later. We were inseparable for quite a while after. We went through a lot together, and he is still the first person I want to call most when something great, or horrible, happens. I don't regret a second of my time with Alex, and I never will.
Our Song: "Collide" by Howie Day
Glen: The One That Got Away
I met Glen shortly before I met Alex, and it was entirely physical . But over the ensuing weeks, months, and years, I grew to deeply deeply love him. Glen became my best friend for a time, and the person I went to for advice. He gets me on a level that no one else does, and is probably the single sexiest guy I've ever known. The timing with Glen never worked. He wasn't single when I was, and vice versa. He is tall, handsome, and has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. For years, when I've looked into Glen's eyes, they make me want to hold him, and never let go. He was the first guy who ever sang to me, and I'll never forget it. Often, at night when I'm in bed thinking, it is about Glen, and I wonder what could have been. I'll always be in love with Glen.
The Song I Associate With Glen: "Please Forgive Me" by David Gray
Matthew: The Teacher
Matt was the first man I ever lived with. We had a lot of fun together. He is a chef, and as such, appreciates good food. Right after he moved to Utah, we celebrated his 21st birthday. I took him to dinner at the best Italian restaurant in Salt Lake City, where there were 2 dozen roses and a bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star champagne waiting for him at the table. Matt appreciated the finer things in life, which I also love, and we could always have an incredibly intelligent conversation. Matt was also the first man who I introduced to my family, and they fell in love with him. Matt taught me about selflessness, and what it means to purely love another person. When his time in Utah was up, he returned to New York to finish school, and I was destroyed. I have never taken a break up as hard in my life.
Our Song: "No One" by Alicia Keys
Shawn: The Dreamer
I first saw Shawn walking at a retreat center in the Utah desert. I was wearing a large pair of Chanel sunglasses, and at first sight I lifted them up to see clearer this beautiful, tattooed, muscular, blue eyed man with a smile that could melt butter. Shawn appealed to both my intellectual and emotional sides. From our conversations, I could tell that this man just wanted someone to love him with everything they had, so I tried to. He taught me about life, not as it is, but as it could be. He shared with me wisdom and knowledge about the universe that I had never considered before. We opened up every aspect of our lives to each other, and no one knows me better than him. He took me in to be a part of his family, and I fell in love with his children, too. We had a very tumultuous relationship, and in the end, it was better that we not live together. But we remain friends, and he is one of the people I'd actually give my life for.
Our Song: "Run" by Collective Soul
The Minor "relationships":
Kevin
Meeting Kevin was like being hit by a lightning bolt. Never before, or since, have I ever been so physically attracted to someone. He has the looks and body of a Greek god, and these stunning blue-grey eyes that I cannot not look at. He is brilliant, caring, he just "gets it," about life. Our first date was on Christmas night at his house, during a blizzard. We went out a few more times, but in the end it was better for us to be very very good friends.
Curt
Curt is one of the only people who would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it. He has a big heart, and a big booming radio voice to match. Curt and I dated off and on for months, and we remain very good friends. I know when there is no one else to count on, Curt will be there and willing to help.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I'm kind of selfish......deal with it!
So, I had a conversation with a good friend last night, and it made me feel better about something I've always held against myself.
I am an incredibly self-involved person. I am also an incredible perfectionist, which when combined with my penchant for obsession, makes me a little hard to deal with sometimes. For instance, my books and DVDs are very precisely and intricately organized. If someone were to move an item out of its prescribed location, I would immediately notice, and would not be able to get back to any sort of task at hand until it was moved back. I have an eagle eye for things of that nature, and I will, inevitably notice.
I say I'm self-involved, because I know that these little quirks of mine matter very little to the people around me and even less to the world at large. But until everything is right in my own little corner of the world, I cannot pay attention to anything going on with anyone else.
I bring all of this up because, I decided long ago I did not want any children. The reason for this is twofold: I am not capable of being selfless enough to be a caring enough father to anyone; second, I am far too demanding of perfection to allow children to be children. I'd expect them to be miniature adults from the time they were born, and I don't think that would be fair to them.
In this conversation I had last night, I realized, finally, that I am not the only person who feels like this. I have discussed this with my mother many times, and with good friends, and I have always been made to feel like I was just a completely awful person, simply because I'm big enough to admit I'd be a terrible parent. After speaking to someone else who feels this way, I feel that my cause is more noble than terrible. I think that we are actually doing the world a favor by not bringing in more children who would merely end up resentful and maladjusted.
I guess, in the end, it isn't all that bad to be self-involved. Perhaps not to the point of being pathological, but I think a fair amount of self-absorption, might just end up making the world a better place.
I am an incredibly self-involved person. I am also an incredible perfectionist, which when combined with my penchant for obsession, makes me a little hard to deal with sometimes. For instance, my books and DVDs are very precisely and intricately organized. If someone were to move an item out of its prescribed location, I would immediately notice, and would not be able to get back to any sort of task at hand until it was moved back. I have an eagle eye for things of that nature, and I will, inevitably notice.
I say I'm self-involved, because I know that these little quirks of mine matter very little to the people around me and even less to the world at large. But until everything is right in my own little corner of the world, I cannot pay attention to anything going on with anyone else.
I bring all of this up because, I decided long ago I did not want any children. The reason for this is twofold: I am not capable of being selfless enough to be a caring enough father to anyone; second, I am far too demanding of perfection to allow children to be children. I'd expect them to be miniature adults from the time they were born, and I don't think that would be fair to them.
In this conversation I had last night, I realized, finally, that I am not the only person who feels like this. I have discussed this with my mother many times, and with good friends, and I have always been made to feel like I was just a completely awful person, simply because I'm big enough to admit I'd be a terrible parent. After speaking to someone else who feels this way, I feel that my cause is more noble than terrible. I think that we are actually doing the world a favor by not bringing in more children who would merely end up resentful and maladjusted.
I guess, in the end, it isn't all that bad to be self-involved. Perhaps not to the point of being pathological, but I think a fair amount of self-absorption, might just end up making the world a better place.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Primer
A good friend of mine once said I got the trifecta: I'm autistic, I'm gay, and I have HIV. I suppose this unusual combination of circumstances gives me a unique and relatively rare perspective of life, and I suppose that is what this blog will be about: the daily challenges that my circumstances bring about.
I am an Aspergian Savant, meaning I have Asperger's Syndrome (a mild and high functioning form of autism) combined with a few savant like abilities. I am very lucky to have a photographic memory, and the ability to "speed-read" at an incredible pace. I love reading non-fiction books, because they give me a treasure trove of facts that, once read, are indelibly committed to my mind. Nobody has ever beaten me at a game of Trivial Pursuit, because I simply know more facts than anyone I've played with. I love word games, such as Scrabble, because I have a great vocabulary and can come up with obscure words, often with the harder to use letters. I am extremely linguistically gifted, and I pick up foreign languages easily. The most entertaining of these instances was a two week trip to Hawaii, a high school graduation gift from my mother, in which I became adept at the pronunciation and rudimentary translation of Hawaiian words. It still stands out as the easiest language for me I have ever come across.
The flip side of my autism is that I'm not particularly good with people. It is hard for me to be in large crowds, and harder still to strike up conversations with people I don't know. I often get stressed out by the circumstances around me (such as loud noises) and when that happens I am liable to just say whatever comes into my head. This is very unfortunate, because when one lacks an "inner filter," as my mother says, they tend to say rather inappropriate, often hurtful things. It is never my intention to hurt any one's feelings, but it tends to be a byproduct of my often overwhelming feelings of anxiety. I often tend to be overly literal and if someone uses speech that is too florid and metaphorical, I often don't know what they're talking about. Sometimes, when it takes too long for a person to get to the point in conversation, I get distracted and quit paying attention, not on purpose, but because my mind likes to wander. But, I don't mind it at all. It makes life a bit more challenging, but I have grown to like myself and I wouldn't change who I am.
I live in Layton, Utah, in a 3 bedroom house with my partner, Will. We have been together several months, and though we argue, we do deeply love eachother. Will is one of the most inherently kind people I have ever come across. He would give you the shirt off of his back, if he thought you could use it. Will understands that I don't understand a lot, and he tries to explain to me the things I don't get. He is very patient, and he often reminds me of the things I need to do, because they often just slip my mind. He is a great provider, and is the first boyfriend I've ever had where there is an equal partnership financially. He works hard, and is very giving with his money. I am never in want of anything, thanks to my mother and Will. Will is also devoted not only to his family, but to mine as well. He speaks to my mother daily, and my nephews adore the time they get to spend with him. Even my sister, a very hard to win over person, loves Will.
I was diagnosed with HIV a few weeks before I met Will. It has never been an issue in our relationship. I am rather lucky to have been born with a genetic mutation only found in about 600,000 people worldwide which makes me what they call an "elite controller." I have HIV, but I am somewhat immune to the worst consequences of the disease. It is only found in the descendants of Viking nobles (my father was a full blooded Dane), who survived the plague. The unfortunate part of being an elite controller is that the minute amount of the virus in my blood made me extraordinarily sick, and I had to go on HIV medications within months of my diagnosis, even though my CD4 (T-Cells) were still rather high, and my viral load (the amount of replications in the blood) were still extremely low. Since I've started meds, my numbers have improved even further to the point where I am now undetectable with standard tests, and my CD4 is now the highest of any HIV patient treated at the University of Utah. So, on that front, I am EXTREMELY lucky, and EXTREMELY blessed.
Anyway, that is basically the primer to who I am. The basic info that I hope serves as a suitable introduction to who I am. In the future, my posts will be more anecdotal, and less dry. And certainly less long! :-)
I am an Aspergian Savant, meaning I have Asperger's Syndrome (a mild and high functioning form of autism) combined with a few savant like abilities. I am very lucky to have a photographic memory, and the ability to "speed-read" at an incredible pace. I love reading non-fiction books, because they give me a treasure trove of facts that, once read, are indelibly committed to my mind. Nobody has ever beaten me at a game of Trivial Pursuit, because I simply know more facts than anyone I've played with. I love word games, such as Scrabble, because I have a great vocabulary and can come up with obscure words, often with the harder to use letters. I am extremely linguistically gifted, and I pick up foreign languages easily. The most entertaining of these instances was a two week trip to Hawaii, a high school graduation gift from my mother, in which I became adept at the pronunciation and rudimentary translation of Hawaiian words. It still stands out as the easiest language for me I have ever come across.
The flip side of my autism is that I'm not particularly good with people. It is hard for me to be in large crowds, and harder still to strike up conversations with people I don't know. I often get stressed out by the circumstances around me (such as loud noises) and when that happens I am liable to just say whatever comes into my head. This is very unfortunate, because when one lacks an "inner filter," as my mother says, they tend to say rather inappropriate, often hurtful things. It is never my intention to hurt any one's feelings, but it tends to be a byproduct of my often overwhelming feelings of anxiety. I often tend to be overly literal and if someone uses speech that is too florid and metaphorical, I often don't know what they're talking about. Sometimes, when it takes too long for a person to get to the point in conversation, I get distracted and quit paying attention, not on purpose, but because my mind likes to wander. But, I don't mind it at all. It makes life a bit more challenging, but I have grown to like myself and I wouldn't change who I am.
I live in Layton, Utah, in a 3 bedroom house with my partner, Will. We have been together several months, and though we argue, we do deeply love eachother. Will is one of the most inherently kind people I have ever come across. He would give you the shirt off of his back, if he thought you could use it. Will understands that I don't understand a lot, and he tries to explain to me the things I don't get. He is very patient, and he often reminds me of the things I need to do, because they often just slip my mind. He is a great provider, and is the first boyfriend I've ever had where there is an equal partnership financially. He works hard, and is very giving with his money. I am never in want of anything, thanks to my mother and Will. Will is also devoted not only to his family, but to mine as well. He speaks to my mother daily, and my nephews adore the time they get to spend with him. Even my sister, a very hard to win over person, loves Will.
I was diagnosed with HIV a few weeks before I met Will. It has never been an issue in our relationship. I am rather lucky to have been born with a genetic mutation only found in about 600,000 people worldwide which makes me what they call an "elite controller." I have HIV, but I am somewhat immune to the worst consequences of the disease. It is only found in the descendants of Viking nobles (my father was a full blooded Dane), who survived the plague. The unfortunate part of being an elite controller is that the minute amount of the virus in my blood made me extraordinarily sick, and I had to go on HIV medications within months of my diagnosis, even though my CD4 (T-Cells) were still rather high, and my viral load (the amount of replications in the blood) were still extremely low. Since I've started meds, my numbers have improved even further to the point where I am now undetectable with standard tests, and my CD4 is now the highest of any HIV patient treated at the University of Utah. So, on that front, I am EXTREMELY lucky, and EXTREMELY blessed.
Anyway, that is basically the primer to who I am. The basic info that I hope serves as a suitable introduction to who I am. In the future, my posts will be more anecdotal, and less dry. And certainly less long! :-)
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